Two Princes of the Caribbean

There’s a short story challenge that I recently tried called NYC Midnight. There are two unique aspects of NYC Midnight:

1. writers are given a genre, subject, and character assignment and given eight days to write their first round story. If they are among the top finishers in their category, they move on to round two, three, and four.
2. all writers are given feedback on their story. Considering the usual “thanks, but this doesn’t fit what we’re looking for right now”, it’s a rare chance to get an outside opinion of your work.

Unfortunately, I didn’t make it through round one. I was assigned Fairy Tale, which admittedly threw me. I’m not well-versed in the genre, but I crammed some Hans Christian Andersen and took a crack at it. The result was somewhat more of a satire than a fairy tale. Since I don’t have any plans to edit it for further submissions, I thought I’d just post it here on the blog. Without further ado:

Two Princes of the Caribbean

A long time ago, every nation in the world was ruled by kings and queens. This system of government was called a monarchy. The King made all the important decisions, from the price of grain to which land they would next conquer. This was because the King’s family was believed to be God’s very own representative on Earth. Except, of course, if he was deposed, which means to be forcefully removed from his position. In which case those that did the deposing would appoint a new royal family to be God’s next own representative.

At the end of the King’s life, the crown was passed to his heir in a very orderly manner based on the order of birth and by gender. The eldest son was first in line to the throne. If this first-born was unavailable due to an out-of-town imprisonment or an early death (which was sadly common in this era where things like the Black Death went traipsing around), then the next eldest son stood to inherit the crown. In anticipation of your questions, no, there was not an IQ test or a review of aptitude. The sons of royalty, called Princes, being a member of God’s chosen family, were recognized to be far nobler and wiser than the common man. They were also usually quite handsome, at least in the official royal portrait. If there were no sons, why then by all means a female heir was the next best thing and handled in the same genealogical manner. This was obviously a perfectly logical way to handle the ruling of nations.

Now to our story.

The beautiful windswept islands of the Caribbean originally had their own indigenous royalty, but these were small islands with small armies. Opportunity time! The boldest European nations (primarily England, France, and Spain, but Denmark dabbled), expert colonizers all, which means to take something from someone else for one’s own use, boldly sailed across the ocean and took what they could. Upon arrival in the New World, they simply tossed the incumbents into the sea and set up an extension of their own empire.

One such Caribbean island was more lovely than all the rest. It had a deep natural harbour on the sunset side, which was useful for the King to moor his ships and build stout defenses to protect the harbour from pirates and brigands. You wouldn’t believe how many pirates were roaming around the Caribbean in those olden days, pillaging and plundering wherever they found opportunity. But not in this harbour. No sir.

The island was awash in natural delights. Fruit trees so sweetly-perfumed that newcomers would thrust their noses in the air and say “Ahhhh!”. Clear springs bubbled in the capital city built by the harbour and a tranquil river ran down from the lush mountain in the middle of the island, providing bountiful freshwater for the island’s inhabitants.

Now the King, despite having full right of ownership, never once set foot upon this paradise. He was far too busy back home to take the months-long journey across the Atlantic. In his place, he sent his two sons to rule the land.

The first son was strong and wise. By the time he strode upon the island’s wooden docks, he had sought treasures across the seven seas, rescued a fair number of maidens, and reportedly slayed a dragon or two. He ruled his men justly but sternly, and they respected his decisiveness. He would make a fine king someday.

The second son was an idiot. He was built asymmetrically and had a general offensive odor about his person. He liked to punch his attendants in the stomach and once threw a kitten into a well. But he looked up to his older brother and was as his shadow. Likewise, the elder brother seemed to inspire a bit of noblesse oblige when in close proximity and helped the younger when he inevitably got himself into some sort of brouhaha.

The first son was called Christian, for he was no pagan, and in his first year on the island, he whipped it into right good shape. The crop yield doubled and the harbour was expanded. He spent his second year training the island’s merry army into a fierce fighting sort. Pirates learned that the fastest way past the island was not a straight line; they would instead circumnavigate the entire Caribbean to steer clear of the prince’s pirate hunters. The island was soon called Christiansted in his honor.

Alas, no empire worth its salt stays idle for long; the King’s Navy was always busy with the conquest of other savage lands. Soon the King called upon Prince Christian to tackle his next challenge – the restructuring of newly acquired property in the jungles of India. The Prince sailed off to his next adventure with a tip of the cap to his successor, his idiot brother, Prince Lawrence.

The King, in his unsurpassed wisdom, recognized from the reports of his counselors that Christian had done a bang-up job transforming his little Caribbean paradise into an A-grade piece of real estate. Thus, he felt comfortable giving Prince Lawrence, often called Larry, a chance at ruling an easily managed piece of their portfolio. Prince Larry, who had not been trusted with so much as a pet since the kitten incident, took to his assignment with giddy abandon.

First, he engaged the Royal Architect in grand plans to enlarge his palace to three times its original size. To staff the palace, he expanded the slave recruitment program and initiated an indentured-servant opportunity for the less fortunate back home. He learned that his highly trained navy was quite effective in taking whatever they wanted from his neighbors and enemies, so he swiped their slaves and servants as well.

Next, Prince Larry decided that the lively town plaza, so annoying loud with the sounds of commerce and music, would be put to better use as a playground for his entertainment. He instructed his carpenters to put up walls with spikes on top and made a sort of carnival filled with jugglers and alligator wrestlers that would provide him with hours of diversion whenever he desired.

But then one day, a messenger brought news from the King. It seemed Prince Christian was off to a solid start in the jungles of India. He had built a noble fort by the sea and his armies had routed an opposing army totaling one hundred men.

“One hundred men!” Prince Larry shouted at the messenger. “A pittance! I could do that in an afternoon. Off with his head!”

The Prince’s Royal Honour Guard, not used to such a command, looked on with dull confusion. Finally, the Chief Honour Guard was forced to ask, “I’m sorry. Who’s head, my Liege?”

“This filthy messenger’s head, for bragging about my brother, of course! And your head too, for being so stupid!”

With that the messenger’s head was swiftly removed as well as the Chief Honour Guard’s. The next in command became the new Chief Honour Guard, and he had the heads promptly tossed into the harbour.

“Two down, 90-something to go,” said the Prince. He took out his spy glass and swept the landscape for opportunities. His head swiveled wildly until it paused upon the beach. This would be a proper time to tell the dear reader that in his day, Prince Christian had installed a swimming beach on the south side of the island a league distant from the harbour. It was truly an innovation, possibly the first of its kind. He had personally trained the Royal Lifeguard Squadron and had nets extended across the reef to keep out the carnivorous fish that might otherwise consume peaceful bathers.

“Trespassers!” Prince Larry shouted and pointed towards the beach. His Royal Honour Guard snapped to attention. “Remove them from my beach, and seal it off. Have them all executed and give me the final tally.”

“Right away, sir,” said the Chief Honour Guard.

“And Tim,” for this was the Chief Honour Guard’s name, “if there aren’t enough heads to be taken from the beach, take the rest from the harbour.” With a click of his heels, the Honour Guard was off. There followed a great ruckus from the beach, followed by a short ruckus from the harbour. The guards returned before sundown.

“Sir, we tallied exactly fivescore domes this afternoon,” Tim reported.

“What is fivescore, Tim?”

“A score is 20, my Liege. Fivescore is 100, per your request.”

“Well, why didn’t you just say 100, you buffoon?”

“Yes, my Liege.” And with that, fivescore this and fourscore that were forever struck from the island vernacular.

This was Tim’s report: “There were 80 men, women, and children at the beach. That included the Royal Lifeguard Squad, which you weren’t entirely clear whether they should be included, so I had them beheaded and tossed into the sea. Then we went to the harbour and knocked off 20 more. A ship just arrived from the Continent had 19 men (bless our luck), so we grabbed the smelly sots before they could even hit the tavern. Then we grabbed the Harbour Master to make it an even 100.”

“Very well, good Tim. So how many does that make in total?”

“Well, sir, with the messenger and the previous Chief Honour Guard – 102!”

“That’s more like it. Now have the Royal Scribe write my day’s tally and send it off to Mommy and Daddy so they can see which of their sons is truly the more accomplished.” And then Prince Larry luxuriated in the Royal Bath while his team of Royal Courtesans massaged his feet.

Good Prince Larry did not have long to revel. News came from across the ocean that Prince Christian had once again scored a great success. The messenger, knowing the fate of his predecessor, approached warily. The exact verbiage has been lost to time, much to my chagrin, but it was something to the effect of “Prince Christian bravely freed local natives from the terror of apex predators, tiger, gorillas, blah, blah, blah, by removing them with deadly force. His subjects rejoice in the streets and sing Christian’s name.”

Later that same day, by some coincidence, Prince Larry organized a Royal Hunting Party. His Royal Honour Guard commandeered a phalanx of slaves to carry their ammunition, and adventuring they went. Unfortunately, due to the mild nature of this unspoiled Caribbean island, no such tigers or gorillas could be found. The hunting party instead came across a fair number of iguanas and agoutis, which is a rodent-like creature less than a yard in length. Exhibiting wonderful problem-solving skills, the Prince came up with an exchange rate for the animals, designating ten iguanas to be the equivalent to one Bengal tiger. Seven agoutis were the equal of a gorilla. It was a bloodbath; the Prince’s hunt was a success. Huzzah!

Prince Larry could have continued this run of success for the rest of his days. The plaza was his personal pleasure-ground, quiet during his long absences and riotous when he so desired. The beach to the south was blissfully free of common bathers and all their inherent stink. The countryside and the surrounding waters were soon rid of iguanas, agoutis, bats, donkeys, owls, swallows, sea turtles, stingrays, and butterflies.

It was with great astonishment that on a lazy spring morning, a few years into Prince Larry’s reign, a 100-gun ship of the line sailed into the harbour of Christiansted with cannons blazing. The wooden docks splintered under the assault and Prince Larry’s army, fattened from a lazy winter, stood no chance. Accompanied by three smaller ships, the invading force took the city in threescore minutes.

The gun ship flew the colors of non-other than Prince Larry’s own brother, the returned Prince Christian. Stunned, Prince Larry stomped up to his brother’s ship and demanded to know why he had blown his defenses to smithereens. What followed was an official exchange before Prince Larry’s Royal Honour Guard and Prince Christian’s Army.

“My dear brother Larry, did you destroy the town plaza and remove the heads of those who made merry in its open spaces?”

“It was my right, as lord and ruler of this island. The plaza is much improved.”

“My dear brother, did you desecrate my Royal Beach, and remove the heads of my Royal Lifeguard Squad so that they would be thrown into the sea?”

“It was my decree, Prince Christian. While you have been off galivanting, I have had to rule this kingdom with an iron fist.”

“My dear brother, did you then remove all of the animals of the countryside, so that the remaining citizens and slaves didst starve?”

“What are you getting at, Prince Christian?”

“Dear brother, Daddy is quite distressed. Without civilians, tax income has nearly ceased. You’ve disrupted the slave trade of the entire Caribbean by malnourishing and killing those of fine breeding stock. I have been ordered back to Christiansted to return it to its former glory.”

“You have? What of me, then? Am I to idle in your coattails again?”

“No, dear brother. You are to be placed into a dinghy with a store of provisions and dropped without an oar well out to the sunset side. There the Easterlies will decide your fate. Goodbye, dear Larry, and Godspeed.”

“Spin on this!” said noble Prince Larry, making a crude gesture, before he was rudely gagged and shoved into the stocks and made ready for his departure from the island.

Prince Christian surveyed his new task and immediately got to work. He was just the man for the job. The plaza was returned to the people, and the animals were restocked with all sorts of invasive species, including pigs, goats, and mongoose. And the slave trade was soon thriving, with strong, capable workers brought from up and down the Ivory Coast of Africa. It was, in short, another Caribbean idyll. Prince Christian once again ruled Christiansted sternly but fairly until he got the call home to succeed his father as King, but that is a story for another time. As for Prince Larry, nothing more was heard from him. Perhaps he found virgin land across the sea to recreate his own vision of paradise. More likely, his dinghy capsized him into the drink.